Re: The Corporate Asylum Survey:
VIEWPOINT 2000
By The Inmate
Dear Corporate Asylum Reader,
Being the best corporately incorrect web site doesn't require much input, but we like to make you think we actually listen to you so you'll keep reading The Corporate Asylum, which is why we are conducting our first ever survey: VIEWPOINT 2000.
This is your opportunity to say what you think. We don't care what you think, but if it makes you feel good, we pretend we've done our job, not to mention, though we will anyway, that stockholders like to hear about this touchy/feely kind of stuff--it makes them feel good too.
If you're worried about confidentiality--you should be. Our staff will do our best to figure out who turned in negative surveys--so be discreet.
Once the surveys are tallied, I, along with my senior management team, will spend hours deleting those we don't like and using the correct ones for an advertising campaign in which The Corporate Asylum will be emailed to as many people as we can find who hate spam.
To make this as difficult as possible so we will receive as little input as possible the following is necessary to participate:
copy the text
paste the text into an email message
delete the answers you do not wish to be your answers
answer all essay questions within the 15 second time limit(we trust you)
email message to the editor
you had two minutes to complete this survey when when the page loaded.
This is for posterity, so, remember, be honest.Apathetically,
The Inmate
VAGUE! DEPRESSED! UNCLEAR! MOOT!
VIEWPOINT 2000
DELUDE YOURSELF!
MEANINGLESS! EXCESSIVE! SELF-SERVING!
A confidential opinion survey for The Corporate Asylum
November 2000I. THE CONFIDENTIAL SECTION
What is your name?____________________
Where do you live?_____________________
Social Security #_______________________
Describe yourself: ht: wt: hair clr: eye clr: sex:
Do you own any guns? yes / no
Which of the following best describes you?(choose two)
a. illiterate
b. malcontent
How long have you been reading The Corporate Asylum?(choose one)
a. What?
b. What's The Corporate Asylum?
c. I can't read.
II. OPINION SECTION If you can't figure out how to answer these questions please don't ever tell anyone you read The Corporate Asylum. If you need any definitions to words contained in this survey just answer based on your best guess.
1. The quality of Corporate Asylum readers, though substandard in some areas, is, in a few cases, above the mental capabilities of average preschoolers who, during the years of 1956-1979, had electric shock treatments after being diagnosed with the Einstein syndrome, a rare disease which causes undue amounts of common sense in everyday circumstances.
a. Agree with reservations.
b. Tend to agree after a few beers.
c. Tend to always agree with everything I read.
d. Tend to disagree with the Charger's coaching staff.
e. Disagree with anything I don't understand.
2. Readers of The Corporate Asylum are treated with respect by The Corporate Asylum staff on weekends, paid holidays, during earthquakes and in the event the reader happens to be holding a twelve gauge shot-gun to the editor's head.
a. I might care about this if I was sitting in a padded cell under 24 hour surveillance.
b. Most of the time I don't care about anything, so why should I start now?
c. What's a paid holiday?
3. Concerning articles in The Corporate Asylum, would you rate any of them, if you were asked by anyone who might be interested in asking you about them and their content, which, at times, reflects a certain kind of reality from the Eastern Mystics to the Western Intellectuals, who have, under pressure from ugly dictators, cut their toe-nails too short, as clear, concise and to-the-point?
a. 18.54 inches x 11.3 centimeters
b. Friedrich Nietzsche
c. Black holes
d. DNA
4. How would you rate the writing in The Corporate Asylum?(in each pair of words choose the one that closest describes your feelings about this)
a. Accurate / Accurate
b. Truthful / Truthful
c. Satiric / Satiric
d. Intelligent / Intelligent
e. Funny / Funny
5. When The Corporate Asylum provides information to readers, how do you feel about it?(mark only 1. 637 responses)
a. I feel like I want to vomit.
b. I feel like I want to cry.
c. I feel like I want to get another job.
d. I feel like I'm in a totalitarian work environment.
e. I feel like I have to go to the bathroom.
f. I don't have any feelings anymore
III. THE COMMENT SECTION
Please comment on the following:
1. The advent of Western Civilization, though not directly predicted by The Corporate Asylum, was certainly inferred by numerous articles contained in it.
2. The Corporate Asylum has lasted as long as it has because the editor secretly, under the direction of major corporations throughout the world, puts these subliminal messages in every article: "WORK OVERTIME," "WORSHIP YOUR CORPORATION" and "WORK OFF THE CLOCK."
3. If The Corporate Asylum ever ceases to be published the known universe will immediately self-destruct.
4. The Corporate Asylum is.
5. The benefits derived from reading The Corporate Asylum have baffled the medical establishment for the last 4,000 years.
Thank you. In the future just read our site and keep your lousy opinions to yourself.
©2000 The Corporate Asylum
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