On the Real End of War
by The Inmate
If only we all wanted it, everything could be arranged immediately.
Fyodor Dostoevsky, "The Dream of a Ridiculous Man"
It is unfortunate that my alter ego, Glen Draeger, turns out to be such a sentimental fool in his last essay, "On the End of War." The end of war? Ridiculous! I have no such illusions concerning one of the oldest of human traditions. War will never end. It could end--but none of the things that would end it will ever be incorporated by the human race. Nonetheless, I feel it is my duty to offer up these solutions any one of which might eventually end war, but which, of course, the human race is incapable of instituting. Oh, what a bitter paradox!
The one thing that my illustrious alter ego was correct about is that in order to end war(something quite impossible) we would need something new, something different, something truly innovative. With that in mind here are my suggestions in no particular order.
Eliminate males. For the most part they do all the fighting and it is usually males who declare wars, feel the need to invade other countries or flip-off other males on the freeway. The female population can freeze large amounts of sperm(you don't need much anyway) and the new female government could always keep a few males around just in case. Kill the rest: men, boys and infant males. Just get rid of the whole lot. In the future society all male fetuses will be aborted and all females will be allowed to come to full term. Implementation is the largest obstacle with this plan because of self-preservation issues and because some women actually like men.
Castrate all males. This eliminates testosterone. Again, implementation will be the major obstacle. Some men like their testicles.
Homogenize races, culture and religion. This will take a few hundred years, but it would go far toward the elimination of war. New worldwide laws would state that people must marry those outside their race, country or religion. Eventually all people would begin to look the same, act the same, attend ecumenical services and laugh at the same jokes. As the program progressed, with culture, religion and food preferences now the same, blue-eyed people could only marry brown-eyed people, tall people could only marry short people, until sometime in the future every man and every woman will not only think and believe the same things but also look exactly the same: same height, same weight, same hair color, etc. If any deviations from the norm occur the government simply kills the "defective" child for the protection of the world.
Universal Language. Misunderstanding causes many wars. For example, this is what often happens during big summit meetings:
President: What do you want?
Translator: Do you want some of this?
Dictator: No. I'm a tyrant. What else could I want?
Translator: Are you threatening me?
President: No. I want to know your agenda.
Translator: Of course I am you big, fat idiot.
Dictator: I declare war.
Translator: I would like some coffee.
President: Cream and sugar?
Translator: So do I.
Bored translators will be addressed in another essay.Only women can hold public office. There is no guarantee that with power women would not use it to declare war, but we cannot know this until it has been tried. Although some women have held positions of power, if they held all positions of power things might be different. Again, obviously, implementation is the biggest obstacle. It is necessary to consider that it may be women's sanity that keeps most of them out of public office in the first place.
An alien threat. An actual alien invasion might unite the people of the world, however, they might also die or become food for the aliens as it is a well-known fact that all aliens are as blood-thirsty as many of the governments of the earth are. A threat, though, would unite the people of the world against a common enemy. The problem is that if we have to wait for an actual alien threat it could take millions of years before such a threat is upon us and it is likely that humanity will be long gone by then or will have evolved into a completely new species. So, the answer is simple: create the threat. The special effects people in Hollywood could put this together, put it on television and, presto, we stop fighting each other and start preparing to fight the vicious aliens who, unknown to the leaders of the world, happily reside inside a computer program. Most children will catch on to this immediately and some way will have to be found to keep them quiet.
Put computers into all positions of power. If we program computers correctly and if all these computers work together on a worldwide scale wars would cease. The added benefit is that we wouldn't have to pay them or listen to their idiotic speeches. The latter might be the greater benefit of the two.
But alas . . . none of this will ever happen so we can look forward to the continued use of missiles, bombs, tanks, torture and guns to finally drive the human race into extinction. What a long, strange trip it will have been.
Copyright 2003 The Corporate Asylum
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