The Corporate Asylum
Satire and Commentary for Discerning Employees

Notes From the Asylum

Contents: Enough! | Necessities? |  Not For Sale  |Clone Estates Anyone? | How to Interview? | The "Progress" of Disneyland  | Schwarzenegger Looks for Answers | Tyco International Ltd to Cut 7,200 Jobs | Tyco Executive's 2.1 Million Dollar Party  | Wages Relative to Necessity | The Unfortunates Who Don't Make a Lot of Money  | The Corporate Asylum Predicts Addressable Advertising | More . . .
 

Enough!  |  3 January 2004
 

The eagle never lost so much time. as when he submitted to learn of the crow.

William Blake

Loyal readers of The Corporate Asylum are probably not aware of the sacrifice I recently made in the attempt to keep them dazed and amused in Notes From The Asylum.  My sacrifice?  I ordered a subscription from the L.A. Times.  I decided to start receiving the paper in order to catalog and chronicle even more of the absurd events that persuade the wise among us to live in caves or in the trees.  This decision, however, obliterated one of my key philosophies of life.

20 years ago I consciously decided not to read a daily paper on a consistent basis and continued that tradition until about a year ago when a friend at work started bringing me his day-old L.A. Times.  I browsed through it on my fifteen minute break.  After I was laid off a fresh paper, at my request, began appearing on my front walk.  I reasoned that my daily exposure to murder, war, politics, trivia, business, sports, entertainment and advertising would be worth the scraps of material I could use for Notes From The Asylum.  It's not.   I quit.  I'm cancelling my subscription.

Though the paper consistently offers exceptions to the meaninglessness that fills its pages I prefer to wade no longer through the muck and grime hoping to find a measly nugget of gold when I've got bricks of it sitting on numerous shelves in my house.  From now on the absurdity will just have to find me.  Unfortunately, I don't think that will be much of an obstacle.

Necessities? / 27 December 2003

I overheard a Hollywood Video employee in the video game department explaining to a parent not to worry about what video game to buy their children because she could always bring them by on Christmas day to pick one out that they were sure to like.   When I asked the other salesperson if they were really open on Christmas he replied, "365 days a year."

It's refreshing to know that a CEO was concerned enough about my entertainment needs to ruin the Christmas of Hollywood Video employees.  'Tis the season!
 

Not For Sale / 6 December 2003

In my area of the world, Southern California, several grocery store chains are in their eighth week of a strike or lockout.  There are longer lines at many of the competing stores and evil stares from those picketing if one braves crossing the line at Vons to pick up a prescription, candy bar or a paper to find out how the strike is progressing.

I doubt, however, that this strike will have the repercussions of the strike now taking place in Greece.  The mayor of Athens decided this past summer to enforce a 4-year-old law and then shut down several establishments to make her point. Those affected, particularly with the economic boon of the Summer Olympics looming, spoke out at a news conference and exercised their right to withhold services from the public.  Yes, readers, it's true!  Greek prostitutes are on strike.

One can only imagine the problems that such a strike might have:

 
Day One:  Thousands of men wearing pillowcases over their heads storm the mayor's office demanding a repeal of the law.

Day Two:  Thousands of wives and girlfriends storm the mayor's office demanding a repeal of the law citing excessive sexual advances from their husbands and boyfriends.

Day Three: Thousands of women from other professions storm the mayor's office demanding a repeal of the law citing an abnormal amount of unwanted inappropriate advances from their customers.

Day Four:  Greece's internet temporarily shuts down.  Experts blame excessive traffic on porn sites.

Day Five:  Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut opens in Greece with astounding success.

Day Six:  Countries near Greece close their borders to stop extreme amounts of Greek men entering the "seedier" sections of their cities.

Day Seven:  The Athen's mayor, under tremendous pressure, repeals the law.  Prostitutes go back to work and all is seemingly right with the world.

Prostitutes on strike?  Next they'll form a corporation, go public, lose a lawsuit to men demanding equal job opportunities and finally pay six-figures to our best, brightest and sexiest college graduates who have little or no experience.  It's business as usual.

[Note:  The information for this came from "Greece's Prostitutes Face Olympic Hurdles" by Tracy Wilkinson in the December 6th issue of the L.A. Times except where the author's conjectures make it obvious otherwise.]

Clone Estates Anyone? / 22 November 2003

If you had, say, 3 million dollars to spend on a house what kind of house would you buy?  Just dream for a moment.  Would you live in the mountains, the country or near an ocean? Would you furnish it with antiques or are you a person of modern tastes?  Would you have it custom built or would you buy something ready made?  The possibilities are wide and varied.

If you live in Southern California you could always buy a mansion in Crystal Cove, a small community between Newport Beach and Laguna.  Just plop down your two to three million and you could have an estate more or less like the other 599 estates in your immediate neighborhood.  Well, that's not exactly true.  There are three floor plans.  The White Sails development offers the Malagna Cove, Casa California and, lastly, the Casablanca.  Each model of the latter comes with its very own Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman because, well, there were about 100 actors and actresses who possessed the ability of those two.

I'm not against people having a lot of money.  I would happily accept the burden of a six-figure or even seven-figure income provided I didn't have to give up grub-hunting with my son.  However, there should be a law for people with a lot of money.  I wouldn't even be opposed to the government putting this one on the books.  The law should read: Wealthy people are not allowed to use their money stupidly.

After seeing the picture of White Sails in the L.A. Times my only thought was, "Why would you want to live there?"  How often do people curse their keys late at night only to realize they're standing at the right house on the wrong street?  Do the people who buy clone homes have the same jobs, eat the same food and drive the same cars?

It's the couple that takes a year off to visit all the greatest museums and historical landmarks in the world or the man who leaves Wall Street to build his own home in the Colorado Rockies or the couple that retire early to pursue their passions of cooking and car restoration or the woman whose mansion is custom built with recycled barn wood from the midwest that truly provoke my genuine, earnest and legitimate envy.  God bless them all.
 

[Note:  The information for this was gathered from the November 20th, 2003 L.A. Times article, "An ocean estate to go" by James Verini(you'll have to register to view the article)]
 

How to Interview? / 14 November 2003

I've started looking for a job.  It had to happen sooner or later.  In the process of doing so I've been posting my resume on the internet which has also resulted in more spam than I already get.  One company, Ford-Commonwealth, which has my resume or an application or something similar just sent me a helpful little email about interviewing.  One must remember that I haven't had to look for a job in over 17 years and I have not, in all that time, looked at any business literature on interviewing--never had a reason to do so.  I never looked at it even when I did interview.

This email about how to interview appalled me.  The reason people must be so nervous about interviewing is because the last thing you are supposed to be(at least according to this email) is yourself.  You can't be honest.  The point is to get the job and revealing your true wants and desires is, apparently, not the way to do it.  Listen to some of this advice.

If you are asked any of the following questions, "What are your faults?  What are your weakness[sic]? What would your boss say is your weakness?"  my email says "This is the only question that a canned answer is acceptable.  Such as, 'I am a perfectionist,' 'I volunteer for too many overtime hours . . .'"  The idea is, I guess, that you can turn these into strengths along with impressing your future company with your lack of a personal life.

Let's say the interviewer asks you, "What is your location preference?"  If you have one don't say so . . . that would be . . . honest . . . but make sure you appear honest when you reply, "Where would you like me to go?"  Nothing like delighting your interviewer with your complete lack of a backbone.

My favorite section from the email is what follows:
 

Another tactic the interviewer will use is the brick wall approach.  He will tell you something about the position that is negative.  It may be high overtime, difficult job duties, extensive travel, or a long wait to be promoted with no guarantees.  He asks you how you feel about this situation.  Your response should be, "I have no problem with that, I will do whatever needs to be done (site an example from your past) and I remain 100% committed to your company.

You know what my response would be?
 

I have big problems with that.  First of all, I don't work overtime and high overtime sounds like you want a life, not an employee.  I'm not willing to give you that.  I will not travel extensively because I don't want to miss time with my family.  I don't mind difficult job duties as long as they are not impossible.  If you aren't offering me any guarantees than I guess I won't offer you any either.  No need to respond---I won't be coming back.  Have a nice day.

I'm not going to do well, am I? (Back to Top)

The "Progress" of Disneyland / 11 November 2003

When Nancy Leveson, professor of aerospace engineering, confronts complaints from workers, particularly workers who are criticizing maintenance procedures at Disneyland, she resorts to one of the oldest corporate clichés ever devised and repeated ad nauseam.   The Los Angeles Times(Nov. 9, 2003) reports her sage, almost sad critique of her inferiors: "I think that's[worker complaints] common everywhere.  Nothing's ever the way it used to be.  The world is changing . . . I think it's very hard for some of the old-timers."

Yes, well, those old-timers didn't lose any lives at Disneyland because of ride failure.  All of the deaths up until 1984 were because of rider stupidity usually embodied in a teenage boy.  The last two deaths in 1998 and 2003 were not the fault of those who died.  For example, in 2003 a wheel assembly failed on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad killing one and injuring ten.

Workers who have criticized the new maintenance procedures are basically told they don't know what they're talking about.  I love what one worker said to a consultant who wanted to know why they checked something every day when it had never failed.  First, he called the consultant an "idiot" then he told him, "The reason they don't fail is because we check them every night."  The obvious is rarely obvious to a consultant.

The Times article, "Disneyland's Ride Upkeep Criticized by Park Workers," was written by Mike Anton and Kimi Yoshino.  It is extremely interesting and it has a lot to say about how corporate culture affects not only the safety of employees but even the customers that corporations supposedly serve.  You can check it out at latimes.com/california, but be warned, you'll have to search for it and register to view it(I tried to make it easy--but, alas, I failed). (Back to Top)

Schwarzenegger Looks for Answers / 8 November 2003

I like living in Southern California.  We have beaches, mountains and deserts all within a days drive.  Those luxuries, however, do come with their drawbacks.  Over the years I've been told not to water my grass and not to flush my toilet(except for the big stuff).  Recently, I hid indoors for about a week to escape the smoke and ashes as my county(San Diego) burned to the ground while helicopters with frustrated pilots sat on the tarmac so that some precious laws would not be broken.  Mostly, though, what I like about California is our new, honest governor. This man will stop at nothing to find the truth---even about himself.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is taking the ancient Greek maxim, "know thyself," to a new level.  The L.A. Times (Nov. 7, 2003) is reporting that he has hired a private investigator to look into the allegations that he groped over a dozen women.  I wish I could have heard that phone call.
 

"Private Eye Investigations, how can I help you?"

"This is the governor.  I want to find out if I groped any women in the last thirty years."

"Why is that, governor?"

"Well, if I did, I'm really not fit to be governor.  I'll need to resign."

"Do you have any reason to suspect that you might have groped women in the past?"

"Well, I am a big movie star and I used to be a professional body builder---I did a lot of traveling, spent a lot of time away from my family---so certainly, it's possible and, therefore, important to me to know if I did."

"Did you?"

"That's what I'm trying to find out!"

The governor ought to take this to the next level and simply walk into one the many bathrooms he no doubt owns, take a concentrated look in the mirror and get straight to the point.  The Terminator could interrogate the Kindergarten Cop and get this settled without a lot of red tape, bureaucracy and he'd eliminate the middle man.

Now that's politics the way it should be. (Back to Top)

Tyco International Ltd to Cut 7,200 Jobs / 5 November 2003

Look, there's nothing newsworthy about jobs being cut.  It's doubtful that the earth's birthrate could keep up with those numbers and that includes rabbits.  To be honest, something we here at The Corporate Asylum test periodically to see if truthfulness is economically profitable, even what I'm about to disclose is not newsworthy because it too is typical of Corporate Culture.  However, it is important to state the obvious every so often in an attempt to inform those entering America's workforce for the first time of what to expect and what will be expected of them.

Cutting jobs is profitable.  When companies lay off their "most important assets" stock prices usually rise and this makes shareholders, executives with stock options and fund managers like John Boland at NL Capital Management elated.  The laid off "important assets" are a little less than thrilled, but then they just don't understand corporate necessities.   Mr. Boland does and he's glad that Tyco Chairman, Edward Breen, does too.  When Mr. Boland heard the news of Tyco cutting 7,200 jobs the L.A. Times(Nov. 5, 2003) reported him as saying, "It shows that current management has a good handle on the business."

Now see, that's the kind of wisdom that "important assets" lack.  They probably think it shows that management expanded the business too quickly or that they approach decisions with a quarterly attitude or that they neglect employees' needs in an effort to please board members, stockholders and fund managers like Mr. Boland.  Eventually, however, after they've realized that their demise increased stock prices by $1.48, as it did for Tyco yesterday, they'll be quite content to lose their jobs for the good of a greater whole.

Or maybe they won't. (Back to Top)

Tyco Executive's 2.1 Million Dollar Party / 2 November 2003

Tyco International's former Chairman Dennis Kozlowski is being castigated in the press for spending 2.1 million dollars, half of which ostensibly came directly from Tyco, on a 40th birthday party for his wife attended by many of Tyco's other executives.  Kozlowski and Mark Swartz, former finance chief, are being accused of stealing 600 million dollars from Tyco.

I, for one, would like to say: "Leave these guys alone!"  It's obvious that Kozlowski tried to save Tyco money by combining his wife's birthday party with a corporate retreat, otherwise why would he have invited so many of his fellow employees?  This was an extremely thrifty move on his part.  Those execs work hard and they need to look at an ice sculpture of Michelangelo's David shooting vodka from its penis or enjoy eating a cake shaped like a woman's breasts with sparklers on top.  It helps them relieve the pressure of a high pressure job in a high pressure business environment.  We get our "Pizza Fridays," "Dock Barbecues" and Christmas Parties, why shouldn't our leaders, the ones who make our jobs possible, get to have a little bit of fun as well?

My only contention with Mr. Kozlowski is that now my wife is going to expect a 2.1 million dollar party for her 40th and, frankly, now that I'm unemployed that's unlikely.  I'll barely be able to afford Jimmy Buffett who Kozlowski paid $250,000.  I guess he could play in our living room for my wife and me, but that hardly leaves enough money for the two-breasted cake or a vodka urinating David.  I suppose I could substitute beer--just to add some aesthetic realism.

In any case I'm assuming there are more of you like me in the same predicament.  If eight of us get together with our 250,000 we can throw one party and if we get our wives drunk enough drinking vodka they'll never know that it was not exclusively for them.  If you're interested, please let me know.

Cheers! (Back to Top)

Wages Relative to Necessity / 13 October 2003

Note:  The individual who is now not mentioned below was misquoted in the paper and I used that quote as the basis for this Note From The Asylum.  I am sorry this happened.  You might, however, be wondering why I have not simply deleted the entire thing.  For historical purposes since this appeared on the site it should remain and it is also very possible that someone somewhere has said something similar so the satire is still relevant.  You can read the retail analyst's email to me in Rants and Raves.

-------- is president of -------- in --------- and apparently he has little sympathy for grocery workers who are now on strike here in California.  One of the reasons grocery workers are striking is because Vons is asking them to begin paying a part of their own health insurance($5 per week per individual or $15 per week per family--which, frankly, sounds good to me considering COBRA wants $933.00 per month  to continue my coverage).

--------, a retail analyst, quoted in the October 13th issue of The San Diego Union-Tribune, said, "The wages seem to be high relative to skill."  So high, in fact, that the highest paid workers are making a whopping $17.90 an hour or roughly $37,000 a year.  I wonder how much -------- makes a year?  It must be a little higher than $37,000 a year and I should know because I'm almost certain I've delivered packages to his home(the address is listed on his web site) in -------, an upscale city across the bay from San Diego.

This brings up an important issue.  I'd like to see people paid according to the necessity  of their jobs, that is, the most necessary jobs would receive the greatest pay and the least necessary jobs would, conversely, receive the lowest pay.  Hence people like --------, whose pay is probably way too high relative to necessity, would be making less than $37,000 a year and people who check you out at the grocery store would earn nearer a six-figure income since we all need to eat.  I've never needed a consultant.  Truck drivers would be some of our highest paid individuals and upper management would have to buy homes in the same neighborhood as politicians, lawyers and retail analysts. (Back to Top)

The Unfortunates Who Don't Make a Lot of Money / January 2003

Shaquille O'Neal, a man who makes a lot of money, recently spoke out about those who do not make a lot of money.  The San Diego Union  of January 18, 2003 reported O'Neal's comments after the Lakers suffered, yet again, a loss that he attributed to a bad call by an official.

"The unfortunate thing is it had to be decided by them," O'Neal said of the officials.  "A whole bunch people who paid a lot of money had to see a game that was decided by someone who doesn't make a lot of money.  That's unfortunate."

What?  What exactly does O'Neal mean by this?  Let's consider some possible interpretations:

Maybe if the officials in question made a lot of money then the whole thing would not be unfortunate.  At least, in that case, the game would have been decided by O'Neal's social peers and he would, presumably, feel a whole lot better about that---bad officiating and all.  In truth maybe O'Neal's comment is a suggestion that NBA officials should be paid more.  Thanks Shaq!

Similarly, he might be saying that people who pay a lot of money to be entertained by people who make a lot of money should not have to be inconvenienced by those who don't make a lot of money in positions of authority.  I suppose if O'Neal is ever in need of the police's assistance he should find some cops who make nearly as much as he does.  I doubt he could trust any policeman who lives on a yearly six figure income, let alone a five figure one.

Another possibility is that O'Neal is simply saying that it's difficult to trust the intelligence of anyone who doesn't make a lot of money.  Let's face it, if you don't make a lot of money you must not be very intelligent.  I have suspected this about myself for a long time.

It's unfortunate that unfortunates do not have the capacity to treat their superiors the way they ought to.  The next thing O'Neal will be advocating is the superiority of 7 feet-plus and 300 pound-plus individuals over the rest of us--as he should.  I'm going to buy some platform shoes and start overeating.

The Inmate (Back to Top)

The Corporate Asylum Predicts Addressable Advertising

Imagine, if only for a brief, absurd moment, that you have five televisions in your home and each television has a different viewer but each viewer is watching the same program.  Now imagine that the commercial appears and instead of each viewer getting the same commercial(or commotion as my four-year old calls them) each viewer now gets a commercial specifically targeted for their age, marital situation, sexual preference, sex, economic status, religion and political party.  Sound crazy?  Yes.  Is this beyond the realm of reality?  Unfortunately, no.  They call it "addressable advertising."  Cable and satellite companies are preparing for this progressive step now.  They test 30,000 homes this fall(Although, this will only send different commercials to different homes--the above is still a little further off.).  These companies will also be able to monitor when television sets are on--that way salespeople will know when to call or come to the door.  Viewers will have to sign up for this and apparently they're willing to.  Oh, brave new world!  To see the essay where The Inmate unwittingly predicted this click here.  (Back to Top)

Working for a Living / 31 May 2001

Barbara Ehrenreich decided to see how the other side lives--the other side being the life of a blue collar worker, so she got some blue collar jobs and wrote a book about it, Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America.  It looks like an interesting book and was recently reviewed in the L.A. Times by Stephen Metcalf.  It's also an interesting review for anyone interested.  Go To Review.  (Back to Top)

Amazon.com in Dog Years / 22 May 2001

Readers of this site might enjoy Mike Daisey's site.  Mike is a former Amazon.com employee.  He's working on some movies and also performs a monologue entitled: "21 Dog Years: Doing Time @amazon.com."  Comments from his readers are also interesting.  Check out his site at www.mikedaisey.com.  Also of interest are two new documentaries which I have not seen: "Secrets of Silicon Valley" and "Startup.com."  (Back to Top)

Celine Dion: 1  Corporate Culture: 0 / 21 May 2001

The L.A. Times reported that Celine Dion, the 33 year-old Canadian singer, has signed a three year contract with Caesars Palace in Las Vegas.  She will receive something in the neighborhood of 45 million dollars for singing five nights a week(I've been looking for that neighborhood).  The contract begins in 2003.  Under the terms of the contract she will not be able to perform in any other concerts during that three year period.  This kind long-term deal is unprecedented for a pop superstar.  Why is she doing this(besides the 45 million)?  This schedule will allow her to stay home with her child.  (Back to Top)

Merit Pay / 17 May 2001

The Associated Press reported that Webvan's(Webvan Group, Inc.) ex-CEO, George Shaheen, will receive a nice, a really nice pension plan from the company.  Webvan is an online grocery company.  He resigned April 13 which is not a huge surprise when one considers that Webvan lost 453 million dollars last year.  That was the same year they paid Shaheen 506,281 dollars.  In 1999 Webvan's stock was worth 34 dollars and as of this writing it is worth 14 cents. This year they laid off 885 employees.  So what does a CEO get who loses 453 million dollars in one year and sees his stock prices drop like a piece of lead in the Pacific Ocean?  375,000 dollars a year for the rest of his life. (Back to Top)

Career Values / 15 May 2001

In Phil Jackson's new book, More Than a Game, the Laker's coach writes that his second wife essentially told him, before he took the Laker's job, that it was going to be either her or the Lakers.  Apparently Phil's idea that championships are won by families didn't include his or maybe Kobe and Shaq offered Phil more security than he could get from his wife. (Back to Top)

New Work Books / 15 May 2001

There are two new books about work that may be of interest to readers of this site:  White-Collar Sweatshop: The Deterioration of Work and Its Rewards in Corporate America  by Jill Andresky Fraser and Beyond the Bottom Line: The Search for Dignity at Work by Paula M. Rayman.  I have not read either of them but they look interesting. (Back to Top)