The Corporate Asylum
Satire and Commentary for Discerning Employees

Misc. Essay

Re: Have You Been at Your Job Too Long?
by The Inmate

The following test, developed using only the most expensive and impressive methods, will help you determine if you have been at your job longer than your sanity can reasonably tolerate.  Not only will this test divulge the deepest secrets of your psyche, but it will also reveal what behavior you should engage in to regain a small percentage of the person you used to be before the brainwashing began.

How long is too long?  This varies from employee to employee.  If you score high on this test and have only been at your job for two weeks you have been there too long.  If, however, you have been with the same corporation for 30 years and score low on this test you are doing fine.  So, test away.

Please check all the statements that apply to you.

Does the absence of freshly brewed coffee ruin all hope of a tolerable day?
Do you bring your own coffee?
Do you take coffee intravenously?
Have you made blood sacrifices to the coffee machine?

Can you predict corporate BS?

Do you care about perfect attendance awards?
Do you care about promotions?
Do you  care about raises?
Do you care?

Do you listen in meetings?
Are you on time for meetings?
Have you ever organized a meeting?
Have you ever asked a question in a meeting?
Have you ever expected a meaningful answer?

Are you a member of a committee?

If you wear a uniform, do you think it's cool?
Do casual dress days boost your morale significantly?

Has anyone ever called you a "go-getter"?

Do you hang out in the business section of the bookstore?
Do you own any books with the word "leadership" in the title?
Do you read them?
Do you believe them?

Do you watch soaps during your lunch breaks?
Do you find prime-time television mentally stimulating?
Do you find local television news interesting?
Did you think "Titanic" was a great movie?

Does your supervisor call you by your nickname?
Did your supervisor give you your nickname?
Does your supervisor call you at home on the weekend to "chat"?
Do you look forward to that?

Do you share your personal problems at work?
Are your personal problems all work related?

Are you thinking about moving up?
Are you thinking about throwing up?
Are you thinking?

Do you enjoy corporate videos?
Do you look forward to the company newsletter every month?
Do you buy things with the company logo on them?
Do you get excited when you see advertising for your company?
Do you video tape company television commercials?

Do you dream about your job? 
Do you dream about other people's jobs?
Do you dream on your job?
Does your spouse/significant other/roommate/pet/clone dream about your job?
Do you talk about your job at social gatherings?
Do you talk about your job at your job?
Does prison sound like an interesting alternative to your job?

Do you get your friends to work where you do?
Do all your friends work where you do?
Is the date of the Christmas party marked on your calendar?
Do you "hang out" in the warehouse or break room when you are off the clock?

When asked to work overtime and you say "No," do you ever feel guilty?
Are you on salary?
Do you work overtime?
Do you work weekends?
Do you work holidays?
Do you work off-the-clock?
Do you work?

Do you think you're making pretty good money?

Have you accrued the maximum vacation time?
Have you accrued more than four weeks of sick time?
Do you take time off without pay?
Are you unsure what "time off" is?

Would you rather listen to a Presidential news conference than go to work?

Is insubordination your first line of defense?
Do you enjoy confrontations with your supervisor?

Do you tell new-hires about the "good ol' days?"

Does the CEO know your name?
Do you remember when there was no CEO?
Are you the CEO?

My Score:

If your score was:

0-10:  You're okay, but don't let them suck you in.

11-20:  You should be nervous about this.  Vacation should be immediate.  Go to Hawaii and read every Bloom County and Calvin and Hobbes book you can find.

21-30: You probably don't even realize how far you've sunk.  Vacation in Mexico.  Study and practice the concept of Siesta in depth.

over 31:  Retire, quit or get fired, but  don't delay!  Vacation in the desert.  Study the stars.  Plead for enlightenment.

©1999 The Corporate Asylum all rights reserved

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