The Corporate Asylum: From The Inmate

from The INMATE vol. 6, num. 1, 1992

THE DRIVE TO DISCOVER WE DRIVE TO DELIVER PACKAGES WORTH MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE DRIVE TO DELIVER CATALOG

I'm sure you were all as happy as I was to discover that we will now be awarded points for any of our outstanding achievements here in the abdomen(L.A.'s got to be the armpit) of couriersville. Just think of it, instead of a 500 dollar bonus for perfect attendance(not that any of us actually want perfect attendance) now you'll get 28,000 points if you're a full-timer(may God be with you!) or if you're a part-timer, like me, 14,000 points. Word has it that points actually have a monetary value. Each point is worth one-half of one cent. So that means 28,000 points is worth about $140 and for all you math drop-outs, 14,000 is worth $70. Let's see here, $500, yeah, then there's $140, yeah, that's a difference of, oh, $360. Now this is beginning to make some sense. You don't suppose that-nah, that's not it. I mean I read the little piece of propaganda--I mean shi--I mean the brochure they gave us and it says, "The goal of The Drive to Deliver award system is to reward you for getting involved in --------'s daily business . . ." Wouldn't you just like to hear, I mean just once, from a politician, a T.V. evangelist or, in this case, upper management of a multi-million dollar glorified paper mover, a little truthfulness. I'm not asking for 100% truthfulness(we've all heard enough of 100% lately), but just a little, a pinch here or there, a dab, as it were, maybe even a shake, sheeeessh, I'd settle for a dash, but instead they insult our intelligence by telling us they're doing this because they love us and they want us to be proud that we work at --------. Here's what I'd like to hear them say:

"We up here at corporate management would like -------- to show a profit so we can get our monetary bonuses and frankly all you people out there getting perfect attendance awards are costing us some cash. We know this catalog thing isn't as great as the money you'd receive, but we're hoping a few of you peons will fall for the classy presentation and think so. Thank you."

I wish we could give -------- some awards for getting involved in our daily business. As one famous courier put it recently: "Love life? I don't need one, I already get screwed enough around here." Well! We here at The INMATE are really shocked. How unappreciative can you be? We think -------- is being really nice. Let's take the perfect attendance as an example. Instead of $500 now you get $140. Hell, who needs the extra money? It would only put you in a higher tax bracket and keep you up at night wondering what you'd do with it and then where'd you'd be? Good ol' -------- is watching out for us and I, for one, plan to thank someone as soon as I find out who the scum--I mean who the saint--is. Instead of that wad of money now you get to buy something that they say is worth $140 and then, because as they say, "The awards you earn in this program are valuable. Uncle Sam thinks so too, and considers all cash and merchandise awards as taxable income," you'll have to pay tax on these goodies which will very conveniently be taken out of your huge pay check. Their charitableness will actually give you less cash flow. It's sort of like winning a million dollar yacht and having to sell it because you wouldn't be able to afford a crew or the gas to fill it up. But, when I stop and ponder the catalog with a little open-mindedness I have to admit their generosity forces me to face north and pray to that mecca of corporate goodness that we all know as ----------.

Although, I'll have to admit, I was looking forward to finally, after five years, getting a perfect attendance award. I mean, I haven't been sick and you'd think there would be some compensation for having to show up at this place everyday and listen to Bill scream at me to get off the dock. I guess to be honest, there is a compensation: a whole 14,000 points or 70 bucks which will enable me to not get, that is NOT get the "Abouchar 'Imperial' 6-Pc Towel Set." It's 16,800 points and when I saw that I could not get it I was really disappointed. My wife cried for days; I had hot flashes. However, I could get two "Mini Mite Hand Vac's." Yeah, that's it, I'll put one in my car and the other in my van. What really puts everything in perspective is thinking about the $375 I could have had. That means each Hand Vac costs about 188 bucks. Must be nice Hand Vacs.

And get this, folks. Not only do you get all those points, but you also get(are you ready for this?) an "Extra Effort Certificate." My absolutely favorite thing in the brochure was the answer to the question, "What do I do with my copy of the Extra Effort Certificate?" Are you ready for this? This is a direct quote. I'm not kidding! So what do we get to do with the certificate? "Post your Extra Effort Certificate where others can see it . . . after all, you worked hard to earn the recognition and you should be proud of your accomplishment." Post it? I plan to make a sign out of it and march around the warehouse so that all you unmotivated, uninvolved and disgraceful employees will see what it means to be a model of the --------- way of life. Why we could even start posting our paycheck stubs along with our W2 forms from the preceding year where everyone could see them. What better way to figure out your worth as a human being? Not only that, we could all post any awards that we have received throughout our lifetime. We could devote one whole wall in the warehouse for this and the winner would be the one who takes up the most space and has the most prestigious awards(like my certificate for winning the "Times Table Challenge" in second grade). Then if we were all ever in a lifeboat on the Pacific Ocean and there was only enough food and water for half of us to survive we'd know exactly who to throw out to the starving sharks. Actually, we here at The INMATE have an even better idea for the "Extra Effort Certificate."

FIVE THINGS YOU CAN USE YOUR COPY OF THE "EXTRA EFFORT CERTIFICATE" FOR
(assuming you get one):

1. Emergency toilet paper
2. Bird cage lining
3. Paper to print The INMATE on
4. As a model to make counterfeit "Extra Effort Certificates" to sell to your colleagues for a small profit so they can post more of them on their lockers than anyone else(don't forget to report all income to Uncle Sam).
5. Let Heidi recycle it(preferably into something else).

©1999 The Corporate Asylum

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